Where life takes you...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much our lives can change for the positive, when we open ourselves up to the scary vulnerable state that is change. Especially us women... we want the change alright, but it also scares the crap out of us. There should be a "Crappers, I'm sorry" message for when my brain blanks. Seriously.

The reason for all of the thinking, (for all 3 of you who care! lol) is that I have a job interview on Friday. It's informal & with a small business, and the woman on the phone seemed wonderfully down to earth, friendly and honest. I use the phrase "down to earth," because she's Beth, who runs Lorna's Laces*. I will repeat that, for those of who who couldn't do the math there... I - me, awful blogger, etsy shop failure, small potatoes me - have an interview with Lorna's freakin' Laces this week! They make the best yarn!

I might even be able to put the year I spent on college in Fine Arts to use, so how bout that?!? Yes, Mother, if you're still reading my blog, you were right, it does count for something. Hhmmph.

So, I need some virtual hugs people! My support system at home is limited, and I hate burdening my awesome sister too much with my neediness (or my DH, who works so hard so I can maybe grab an opportunity like this one!) Even sappy cheerleader comments would be appreciated at this point! And, thanks for reading this and maybe thinking of, or posting. I know just how life gets in the way of best intentions.

Best wishes for a wonderful 2010 to the whole Craft-Blog-World!

Shirley, June, Karrie, Adrienne - you are the kindest friends a girl could have, even though we're all so far away. I hope I can talk to all of you again very soon, even if I do get a 9-5 job again soon. I know it's my fault we haven't talked, and I'm so sorry!

Jenn, I didn't mean to exclude you, I just hope I tell you more how much more I appreciate our relationship in person, than to need to do it on the blog - but for giggles sake - visit Jenn's Unblog. She's got the best blog concept, she posts inspiration content, and has nearly twice the posts I do!

* here's the obligatory Ravelry link - Lorna's Laces Yarn

Plagiarized?!?!???

I was alerted recently by a good friend that a LJ user had plagiarized my book review for Yakuza Moon.(Which I wrote over a year ago!) Not juts bits and pieces, but the whole 3 paragraphs, word for word. You can see it briefly here - as I'm not a LJ member, I cannot comment. But, I will however be asking of you - MY friends who happen to be on LJ to tell this girl what she's done is WRONG with a capitol W. I will be filing a copyright violations form against her, but expect that to take several days to go through.

Even if she didn't realize reposting it as her own was wrong, she should have asked for my permission about the review, and posted a link back to my site when I (ineveitable would've) said yes. Because I wouldv'e shared had she asked (nicely, hehe.)

Thanks guys, you are the best. What a Happy Thanksgiving for me. oy.

ETA: This piece was removed either by LJ or the OP. Oh well, at least it's over fast, and someone alerted me right away. Phurfelz - please let me know how I can thank you for looking out for me on this one! Me email addy is K | Fredrickson | AT | gmail | dot|| com (without all the text garbage... sorry, looking out for web spiders!)

How I really feel inside...

I really, really don't like sharing this stuff here, but for lack of a better outlet, here goes nothing...

So, it all started a couple years back when my grandmother died. My mom spent a ton of months taking care of her before that, even though my grandma would say the meanest things sometimes. Now, I wonder if that had to do with some sort of pre-frontal cortex damage or issue - that meant she just didn't have that internal censor that everyone else seems to. That's how my family used to always describe it anyhow. Now, I wonder if it was a scientific part of who she was. Part of me feels bad for not trying to be more accepting of it...

After that, my mom went on a last minute cruise to Greece, which I thought would be great for her, and I think it was, although she won't tell me anything but the good parts... so who knows? Thing is...she left my sister in charge of EVERYTHING. I even offered to watch her dog for her (which would have saved her a considerable amount of money,) and she refused. Even when I offered to drive the 25 miles to her house everyday to check up on the house and dog, she brushed me off like I wasn't capable of taking on the task. That really hurt.

Then, when my step-father lost his glasses in Greece - who'd they call to have another pair Fedex-ed over? Not me, it was my sister. Just like it was my sister who I had to talk to during the couple weeks my mom was overseas. And, I'd have to say, that was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my mom. All my sister would say is how much they talked on the phone EVERY day, and how she felt lost without that. Nevermind the fact that I was trying to do my best to be there for her, and she's never said thank you to me, for that once. Or anything else I've tried to do for her, or my mom this past year.

After that, she got pregnant (my sister, not my mom - I'm turning 28 at the end of the year!) And that was really hard news for me - because it wasn't long before we found out that it was going to be a girl - just EXACTLY what she was hoping for. I even went to Hawaii last year, and had a bit of escape from my family mess, but as soon as I got back, it went straight back into - "Let's put all of our focus on her, and not you." And, I really struggled with that attitude hanging in the air. But no one saw it, or recognized it.

Just to be clear, here - I've been trying to tell my mother these feelings for over a year, in fact, ever since my sister started trying to get pregnant; but to no avail. She dodges my points, makes excuses why she can't be there for me now. The tricky bit is - she was ALWAYS there for me as a younger child, and even though I'm older now, I literally feel like a bird who was just kicked out of the nest, and left to fend for myself. Totally alone within my family unit.

See - here's the other side of the story - my dad was always there physically, but not ever in an emotional sense. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. That is to say, my visitations with him were sitting in front of the tv, not talking to him at all. In fact, I could say something, and he just wouldn't hear, or process it - to the point that I sometimes wondered if I'd ever said it all. This left me feeling pretty damaged and alone as a child, and the fact that I never felt my sister wanted me as her sister never helped. I just wasn't good enough of a daughter or a sister to either one of them, and I've felt shunned most of my life.

So, when I told my dad just how angry and upset all that crap made me (like at 25, a few years back,) instead of saying, "Kari, I want to have a rational, real conversation with you about this," he told my sister he disowned me. The dickhead didn't even have enough cahones to say it to me direct. He just said "I only have one daughter." - even though we're twins. Great parenting skills there.

So, at the beginning of this year my mom asked me to help plan my sister's baby shower, and at that point - I was just starting to feel like my jealousy was coming from a place of perspective - that I felt like the whole world was saying. "Yeay Jenn, you'r pregnant!" When I didn't have anyone telling me, ""Yeay Kari, you're following you're own path, even if it is non-traditional!" Well, except my husband, and one very, very close blog friends. Thank you both, from the bottom of my heart. You've kept me sane this year, really.

Oh yeah, and even though I stifled all of my feelings until after the baby shower, because i wanted my sister to have an enjoyable one, no matter the relationship we share - here's the kicker... my mom left for a week's vacation the day after the baby shower - without telling me she was even going. I had to find out from my sister - who I certainly didn't feel comfortable sharing those negative feelings with, especially then (she was 7+ months pregnant!) I really needed to be able to share my feeling with her (my mom,) that week, and she made it perfectly clear through her actions, that she wasn't interested in listening to them. Then, or now, (it's been 6 months since the shower.)

But, it doesn't 't help alleviate the pain I feel that my family thinks baking a baby is more valuable than trying to define for my OWN self what's going to make me happy. Can't I be my own person, with my OWN desires and goals, and aren't they just as valid as everyone else's???

Maybe, it will be a child someday, I can't say it's something I'm totally disinterested in; but after this experience, with my family that I get to say on paper is my family - even though I barely ever felt, and now I totally don't feel - a part of them, in any way. I've said to my mom that I feel extraneous and worthless, in my role as her daughter, and she won't/ or can't address it as a point - which makes me feel like my feelings are completely invalid, and wrong.

She wants to talk in person or on the phone, and basically said that she doesn't think we can work on anything regarding our relationship through email. But, I'm a very guarded person with my feelings, and if I keep trying to share them with someone who I don't feel is listening, or really hearing what I have to say... I don't know any other coping device than to shut down, and pre-reject them all, because rejection is all I've felt from them for years. My dad, sister, and now - most painfully of all - my mom.

Mom - I can't see you, or talk to you on the phone right now. I NEED it to be through email, because I'm so hyper-sensitive to everything you say, and every inflection in your tone and body language. I know you're not trying to take your life stresses out on me - but that's what it's felt like for a long time. You always made a point to make the other twin feel special when something great was going on in the other's life... but where are you when I need you? When the whole world is cheering her on for something almost every woman on the face of the earth is doing - whilst I'm toiling, trying to find my own meaning of happiness and fulfillment. Why is that less valuable to you? Why can't you show me the support I need, especially right now? And, especially in the way that I NEED it, instead of just the way you're willing to give it to me...

Who needs sleep?

Yeah, you're never gonna get it,
Who needs sleep?
Tell me, what's that for?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the second world war.

One of my most, and least favorite songs by Barenaked Ladies. Favorite because I'm a chronic insomniac, and least - because it keeps me up a lot at night. Literally, my brain will just repeat the chorus over, and over again. I'm not sure if that was what kept me up last night, as I worked hard on Friday so I'd sleep well, and I did, (relatively.) Last night though, I was up every 3 hours, and it leaves me feeling so frustrated and irritated that seemingly everyone else can get a good night's sleep. Why can't I? My dog is snoring at me right now...

I have a theory, that it stems from some emotional stuff I've been going through; but how do you talk to someone who won't or can't listen to what you have to say? Someone who denies the very basis of your feelings to the point of total alienation? How do you, if you've built your very existence on the principles and values this person's taught you, cope - when they change the very core of who they are (or at least are to me?)

I wish I could find answers to these questions, as they're probably what plague me each night as I lay awake in bed and try to fall asleep. My mind drifts on how I feel so much less valuable to this person in my life, and how no matter how I try and tell her, she won't or can't hear what I have to say. She's in her own bubble, that I can't even enter, much less burst it. Not that I'd want to shatter someone else's method of coping with hard times in life. But how am I supposed to have a relationship with someone who I can't communicate with, especially on the genuine and real level that I really want.

Craft Disaster!

Normally, I don't post my crafts gone wrong. They tend to bring my spirits down, and I like to keep that separate from my candy-sweet-coated blog world. So, that being said; I just had to share this one. It went so spectacularly bad, that I just can't keep it to myself! I found the link on Craft:'s blog, and they looked so tasty. I just wish mine had come out so lovely looking!

I followed the recipe as best I could (I thought,) and even still - ended up with Rocky Candy, in a glass. Only the smallest crystals formed on my pretty sticks. (I even glued wood beads to the ends of a few to make them that much more Old fashioned!) Oh well...

Oh yeah, and the sticks still in the glass? Rock-candy cemented in there. At least all I have to do to clean them up is soak a while!

Rain, rain - go away!

The creek behind my house has overflowed, and is flooding the basin it sits in. I really hope that the rain stops soon, it's been going nonstop for 3 days now! It's only been a light drizzle for the most part, but because it hasn't let up for even a minute - it's totally flooded. Oy.

Oh, this is also the famous Chicago grey I'm always complaining about. It's a bit early, normally it starts closer to winter, but it's nice and drab, isn't it? Hehe.. Great for the grass, though - look at how pretty it is!

Belated Second Blogiversary!

I can't believe I missed it! As of March 3rd, I've been blogging for two years now. I can hardly believe it! Last year was a much slower year, blog-wise than I'd planned. But, I'm hoping to make up for it this year and I've got a few big things planned. Stay tuned for more sweets this week, more knitting soon and a big contest in a couple months! Don't miss it, there's going to be tons of prizes!

And, a great big shout of Good Luck! to a very good blog buddy of mine, she just quit her job and will be crafting full time very soon! I don't know if it's public yet or not, so I won't name her - but you know who you are, lady! You rock!

A new year, a new leaf... and chocolates, mmmm!

Last year, I spent a large amount of time making myself feel bad about all of the things I wasn't doing to improve my blog and store. I set super high expectations for myself, and I didn't reach them… no surprise, but still disheartening, nonetheless. I wanted to get so many things done, and then winter set in.

Chicago winter always gets me, because it goes from a regular amount of sunlight during a day, to practically none. Plus, there's always the grey to look forward to. The particular shade that settles around the suburbs where I live, is the most depressing thing I think I've ever laid eyes on. It permeates my brain, and inevitably ends up leaving me in a funk. Last year I tried to focus on tutorials to get past it, but I was always self conscious about the photos that went with them. Something about the lack of natural light during this time of year… it just drives me nuts.

And feeling nuts isn't very conducive to writing a blog. But the most interesting part is, that even though I wasn't writing for my blog for the last couple months, that's all I could think about. So it seems only right that I come back to it now, because I have a new strategy to go with my new outlook.

Last year was all about constraining myself. Setting goals, and then beating myself up for not reaching them, all the while setting myself back further on all of my other goals and aspirations. I've learned that even though I need to work on discipline, I also need to cut myself some slack. Even though I'm a perfectionist, I'm not perfect; and I need to just own that. Perfect is a goal I aspire to - with the knowledge that it's unobtainable. It should be fuel for motivation, not procrastination.

So I'm calling this one the year of water, because I want to go with the flow of things, and not take every last little thing so seriously. That's pretty much my new outlook and strategy, with a big emphasis on going with what works for me, and not obsessing over what doesn't.

It may seem simplistic, but I think it's easy to lose the most simple of things like perspective in this world we live in. It charges us to be consummate consumers, and I will never be one. I love to create, I love unique - I've always had the perspective that if we were all the same, what a boring world! Even if it were full of Brangelinas… if they were all that gorgeous, what would gorgeous mean then? If all the flowers were roses, what significance would a rose have then? What would colors be without the full spectrum to enjoy? How about chocolates?

Heehehehehe. These are amazing, I can barely believe I kept my greedy fingers off them long enough to snap this photo! They came from Candinas Chocolatier, google them, they're incredible!!!

In 2008, Crafty Ginger will be my take on crafting a personal and unique home and wardrobe (of course accessories, too!) with haute couture finishing. I'm not sure if I've ever admitted it here, (partly because I think it makes me sound vain,) but part of my loathing of mass-market items is how much they cost versus how cheaply they're made; and how inexpensively I can recreate something even while I'm being meticulous about the finishing and details. My version is better, in just about every way (see, I knew it made me sound vain!) But that's why I make things, because I can make them better for me; and I want to write more tutorials, and get better at sharing how you can make them better for you.

That's why I started blogging, to share crafts and inspiration; and I'm sad I lost touch with that for a time because I was so focused on my store. But I'm excited to regain focus and perspective, and I’m really hoping for a great 2008! A lot of other bloggers are excited for their next crafty adventures, and I'm super excited for them, too!

I've lost my blogging mojo...

…do you know where I left it? Heh. I wish I did, it's been such a long time since I felt good about my blog, although there's nothing particularly wrong with taking a little break. I guess I've just been avoiding the inevitable; I posted last month that I was feeling re-invigorated about my store, when in all reality I was just trying to convince myself of that. It wasn't true, and I feel pretty terrible admitting it. I was obssessing over all of the success I see in the crafty world these days, and psyching myself up to try and put myself in the midst of that competition; when in all reality it's sort of the last thing I want to do right now.

What I really want to do is close up my Etsy store and regroup. I've never found the kind of success I really wanted there, and I just don't have the energy to try and keep up with the pack. Etsy's an interesting place, because you can get swallowed up so easily. 17,000 pages of jewelry?!?!! That's freaking nuts, especially to try and manage while I'm feeling so conflicted these days. I knew the listings for my tree branch earrings weren't perfect, but I'd hoped that I'd sell at least one pair to someone, somewhere. Ugh, and don't even get me started on the tsumami kanzashi flowers.

Add to that, this time of year is absolutely impossible to photograph anything, because the sun sets at 4PM. It still bugs me, the terrible quality of photos I posted last year with the tree branch earrings tutorial. And my birthday falls on the day after the winter solstice, so it's the day after the day with the least amount of light all year… lucky me, eh? Plus, I'm stressing about Christmas stuff, which always happens on my birthday, which always sucks. I hate that my birthday is 3 days before Christmas, it ends up sucking a lot of the fun out of a day that should be fun-filled.

I wish I had something good to finish this post with. Some small, but healing truth to comfort my soul… but I don't. I'm just so tired of feeling this way, and I wonder when or whether I'll ever feel good about it again. (I hate spilling all of this here, I'd rather share the happier parts of my life. I just don't know how else to satiate the part of my brain that needs to get this out… my husband is a good sounding board, but I don't ever feel comfortable dumping it all on him. Oy!)

Contests

This is another rant, I'm sorry it's not timed a little better!

I just needed to vent a little about the contests in Blog-land… See, I enter them every time I see one, and keep hoping I'm going to win something. Even just to win would be great, I don't ever win anything, except maybe an occasional Ebay auction.

So when there seemed to be about a dozen contests for the new book, Craft, Inc. - I thought for sure I'd snag a copy. After all, most people holding drawings for it had multiple copies; my chances had to be better than zero, right?

Nope, nah, and forgettaboutit jump to mind, because even though I've lost count of how many contests I've entered, I haven't won a single one. Not a pat on the back even, and I'm sure I can't be the only one. There are so many contests out there, and there ends up being so many entries; that I basically think I don't have a shot in Hell. It's a little frustrating, to see so much giveaway love around, and not feel a part of it. I know that means I should try harder; but it's tough to bother entering sometimes, when I think I have no chance at winning.

This seems like such a childish rant, but I can't be the only one who feels left out sometimes. That's universal, or at least I'd like to believe it is...

How I spent my Labor Day weekend*...

*Also Known As - I HATE dhl and bluefly! (Angry rant w/ no craftiness!)

Someone had a much better day than me on Friday. Someone got a gorgeous cyan silk jersey convertible dress from bluefly. Someone got MY dress from bluefly, and I had the worst day ever.

See, I ordered said dress the weekend before last, and was tracking the package though dhl's website. They said it would be here on Friday, Aug 31. So, the day finally comes, and I check the tracking page again. It said delivered, and I was ecstatic to check my doorstep. And then my heart dropped, because it wasn't there. The delivery driver had marked it, "Left at front door" to my address, and it wasn't there. I started to freak out….

So I called bluefly, and they asked if it was behind a bush. I thought that was hilarious, because the delivery drivers around here don't bother hiding packages. If it wasn't on my step, it wasn't here. That's it, not hiding on my property, not anywhere up or down my street in fact (my sweet husband checked.) Then, the girl told me that they had one left, and I could purchase it, while they figured out what happened to the first one. That's right folks, she recommended I purchase ANOTHER dress, even though the first had failed to be delivered properly.

Meanwhile, I called dhl, and they paged the driver. Of course, his reaction was that he left it on the front door step. Obviously not - I was home all fricken day! So they tried to page him again, after he was supposed to return to my address; and the asshole had gone home for the day. Of course, it was Labor day, and everyone and their brother just wanted to get home for the long weekend.

Whoever you are who got my dress, I bet you had the best day of your life on Friday… a free 200$ silk jersey dress out of nowhere - but you cost me the worst day I can remember, as well as the cutest dress I could've found before my Hawaii trip. I still can't believe how badly bluefly's treated me, and I'm shocked at dhl's performance, too. Caveat Emptor I guess… but it gives me little comfort right now. Oy.

ETA: Bluefly has now promised to ship another dress via dhl at no cost to me. Can you guess how much faith I have in them actually getting it here???